Mafia
by ProbableImpossibilities
Summary: Somehow, Iscariot and Hellsing members end up in Olive Garden at the same time. Bored, they resort to betting on an inter-organization game of Mafia. No one has any idea what kind of madness will result... One shot. Reviews are appreciated! :


_Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, or any other copyrighted stuff that may show up here._

_AN: I suggest reading this while listening to 'Poker Face'. It adds atmosphere._

**Mafia**

_What an awkward situation, _Integra thought to herself, fingering the pager as if preparing to throw it at someone. _I wish they'd just hurry up and find us a table. I don't think I can sit here much longer..._

Integra, Alucard, and Seras sat on a bench near the doorway to Olive Garden, anxiously awaiting their turn to be seated. Seras just could not stop fidgeting, and it was driving her Master crazy. But he wouldn't say anything; he just took it silently, glowering from under the pulled-down edge of his hat at the occupants of the bench across from them.

"Sir Integra," Seras whispered. "Why don't we just go to a different restaurant?"

"If we leave, they will see it as weakness," Integra replied. "We are going to eat at Olive Garden, no matter how uncomfortable or awkward this situation may become."

"I know, but I don't like it," Seras mumbled, twiddling her thumbs and fidgeting with her collar.

The cause of Seras' discomfort? Heinkel Wolfe, Enrico Maxwell, and Alexander Anderson all sat on the bench across from her, the latter glaring at her and sharpening his bayonets. "How long dae ye think we'll be waitin'?" Anderson asked Maxwell, glancing angrily at Alucard. Maxwell sighed. "The woman said they were busy; it could take as long as an hour, or more."

"Vhy don't ve hit the drive-thru at McDonalds or something?" Heinkel asked. "Personally, I don't think overpriced breadsticks are really quite vorth it."

"Yeah," Seras interrupted, pleading with Integra. "I mean, we have breadsticks in the refrigerator back home, anyway."

"But Olive Garden breadsticks have that really good oil on them," Alucard whined. "Besides, the ones in the refrigerator are freezer-burned."

"Why do you care?" Integra asked. "You can't eat breadsticks, anyway."

"Then why am I here?"

"I don't know!" Integra snapped. "But you're not leaving until I've finished my food!"

"Vampire-loving idiots," Maxwell muttered. "We will not be intimidated by the presence of this atrocity. We are Section XIII! There will be no leaving this restaurant – even if McDonalds has those really good strawberry-banana smoothies!"

"But vhat are ve going to do for un hour?" Heinkel asked.

"Ah brought mah deck 'o' cards with me," Anderson suggested, still glaring at Alucard. "We could play Go Fish, or Mafia, or Gin Rummy..."

"What's Mafia?" Seras interrupted again. "And why do you want to play Gin Rummy?"

Anderson growled. "That's none 'o' yer business, Draculina!"

"Mafia isn't really a card game," Integra explained to Seras. "You pass the cards around, and if you get a Jack, you're the mafia. The point of the game is to kill off all the villagers without getting killed yourself. If you get a Queen, you're the Doctor, and you can guess which person the mafia's going to kill so you can save them. If you get a King, you're the Sheriff, and you have to find out who the mafia is. Any other card is a villager, and all the villagers get to do is to vote on who they think is the mafia, so they can hang them. The game is over when the mafia is killed."

"Sounds like an incredibly violent and bloody game," Alucard said, and grinned. Integra sighed. "You don't actually kill people. They're just out of the game. There's also a narrator, who has to make up stories as to how the mafia killed people and whatnot."

"I could do that," Alucard replied. "I could do that quite well..."

"Yer nae playin'," Anderson growled. "Ah dinnae trust ye with mah cards. Ye might go all Gambit on me or somethin'."

"No, I'm really more like Sabertooth," Alucard said with an evil grin. "So I guess that makes you Wolverine..."

"Ooh! Does that mean I'm Mystique?" Seras asked excitedly.

"No, because that would make me Magneto, and I don't want to be an old man," Integra said. "I'm Mystique. You can be Toad."

"I vant to be Nightcrawler," Heinkel told Anderson. "Yumie can be Rogue."

"I hate to interrupt your extended X-Men metaphor," Maxwell said, "but there aren't enough of us to play Mafia with just the Iscariots. If we wanted to play, we'd have to play with those Hellsing idiots."

"How about a wager?" Integra suggested. "Twenty pounds for every member of your own organization that stays in the game until the end. A hundred if the mafia manages to kill everyone. I might even throw in a free basket of breadsticks for the winner."

"The breadsticks are already free!" Maxwell said. He thought for a minute. "Two orders of four-cheese rigatoni and we'll call it a deal."

Integra grinned. "You're on! The game ends when my pager goes off. We'll make Alucard the narrator simply because he would probably look at everyone else's cards."

"Ye dae realize that makin' him the narrator knocks yer chances 'o' winnin' from three outta six tae two outta five," Anderson said. "That's awfully risky, if ye ask me..."

"Oh, we'll win, outnumbered or not," Integra said. "Let the game begin!"

Anderson rifled through his deck until he found a Jack, a Queen, and a King. He then picked out two number cards, and shuffled them all around face-down until it was impossible to tell which card was which. He then picked a card off the top of the pile and passed it to Maxwell. The cards were passed around until everyone who was playing had a card in his or her hand. Integra stared at Maxwell, silently daring him to challenge her poker face. Seras looked at her card and expressed a brief flash of disappointment, but she hid it quickly and sat on her card. Anderson, seeing the new location of his playing card, shuddered and whispered to Maxwell, "Ah'm gonna have tae burn that one!"

Alucard grinned. He could see the other side of every single card, and he knew exactly who was who. This was going to be an interesting game, he could tell that much. "Alright," he said. "Let's get this puppy rolling, shall we?" He cleared his throat, and launched into his narrative. "It's twilight in the tiny town of Olive Garden, and the villagers sleep peacefully, undisturbed in their ignorant bliss. Little do they know of the tragedy that is about to unfold in their sleepy town – they know nothing of the blood, of the gore, of the murderous deeds that will stain the streets with sanguine streaks and leaving rotting, flea-ridden corpses lying in every nook and cranny, of the scattered remnants of intestines and other tissues that will clog the gutters with blood and – "

"We get the picture, Alucard!" Integra snapped. A small child sitting at a table near the door looked like he was going to puke. Alucard made a scary face at him and continued. "The villagers go to sleep." The game's participants closed their eyes. "Once everyone is asleep, the mafia awakens," Alucard said, and Maxwell raised his head and opened his eyes. Alucard grinned. "Mafia, who do you want to kill?"

Maxwell thought long and hard. _I really want to kill Integra, but if I do, she'll know it's me. In fact, the way we have this game set up, if I kill anyone from Hellsing, they'll know it was someone from Iscariot and try to vote them off. On the other hand, if I kill someone from Iscariot, they'll think it was someone from Hellsing and vote __them__ off. On the same token, if I kill someone from Iscariot, we'll lose our majority and I could risk losing the game altogether. There's also the fact of the Doctor and the Sheriff. Those two are essentially my biggest enemies in this game, and I should try to knock them out first. But what if they're both my teammates, and the only true villagers are Integra and Seras? And how will I know who they are if –_

"Hey, Mafia," Alucard said, jolting Maxwell from his line of thought. "Some of the villagers are actually falling asleep. Sometime this century, please."

Maxwell gave up and pointed at Seras. Alucard said, "Mafia, go to sleep," and Maxwell closed his eyes, hoping that all would go well.

"Next, the doctor awakens," Alucard said, and Seras opened her eyes. "Hello, Doctor," Alucard said. "Who do you wish to save?"

Seras thought about it for a moment, then pointed at Integra. _Wrong choice, Police Girl, _Alucard spoke into the mind of his fledgling, and she pouted a little. He didn't tell her that the person she'd failed to save was herself. "Doctor, go back to sleep," he said aloud, and Seras closed her eyes.

"Sheriff, wake up," Alucard said, and Heinkel opened her eyes. "Who do you think is the mafia?" he asked, and she pointed at Integra. _To think, my Master is only a mere villager, yet she gets more attention in this game than anyone else,_ Alucard thought as he shook his head. Heinkel glared at him as if it was his fault she had guessed wrong, so he touched his thumb to his nose, wiggled his fingers, and stuck his tongue out at the Iscariot assassin in an act of childish defiance. "Sheriff, this here town ain't big enough fer the two of us," he said in an exaggerated Southern drawl. "Go to sleep."

Heinkel stuck her tongue out back at him and closed her eyes. Alucard smiled. He felt like God. "Villagers, awaken!" The members of the game lifted their heads and opened their eyes. Seras yawned. She'd actually fallen asleep at one point. Integra scowled, and desperately hoped they would get to vote someone off soon. She was intensely bored, and she couldn't help showing it. She looked over at Anderson and noticed he had a similar expression on his face; it was obvious he had gotten a normal number card as well.

Alucard chuckled, then composed himself and took on an expression of deep sorrow. "Last night," he said mournfully, "a terrible tragedy occurred in the little town of Olive Garden. You see, Seras Victoria was on her way to the grocery store, when the unthinkable happened."

Seras groaned. She should have known she'd be kicked off first. All she could do was listen as her Master spun the dreadful tale of her own demise.

"She should have known not to go out alone at night. But she did, and as she was walking along the sidewalk..." Alucard paused for dramatic effect. "She was ambushed by Zorin Blitz, who was in the employ of the mafia! Seras put up a good fight, but her adversary was too strong, and she had the element of surprise. Zorin took her sickle, and chopped poor, poor Seras into ten bloody pieces, then shoved a stake through her exposed heart. After committing the gruesome deed, Zorin mailed the dismantled corpse to a butcher in Guatemala, who sent it back because there were maggots crawling through the meat-"

"Stop it!" Seras screamed. "I won't hear any more of this! So I'm out! Just get on with the game already!"

Alucard smirked. The little kid at the other table looked about to puke again. "Alright, now it is time to vote," the vampire said ceremoniously. "Villagers, I call upon you to revenge this awful tragedy! Who do you think is the mafia?" Integra pointed at Heinkel, and Maxwell, seeing an opportunity to throw Integra off his track, seconded the motion. _I'm sorry, Heinkel,_ he thought, _but I can't let Hellsing win!_

Heinkel, feeling rather betrayed, pointed to Maxwell. Now it was down to Anderson. "Your vote will decide who stays and who goes, Anderson," Alucard said, elated that it had come down to a choice between Anderson's teammates. "Think carefully..."

"Shut up, demon," Anderson growled. He looked at Heinkel, and then he looked at Maxwell. _Ah cannae decide! _he thought to himself. _Ah can save Heinkel, or Ah can save Maxwell, but Ah cannae save both! Whit ae retarded game..._

Finally, he pointed to his right. "Ah'm sorry, Heinkel," he said. Heinkel folded her arms and pouted. "It's okay, Father," she mumbled. "Just make sure you get that _hässlich_ Hellsing cur next time!"

Alucard said, "Villagers, go to sleep," and the cycle began all over again. Because they had so few players, Alucard felt it necessary to resuscitate certain dead participants, so Seras ended up dying twice, the second time at the hand of a rabid chimpanzee. Anderson was voted off, but Alucard brought him back so he could be killed again by a chainsaw-wielding mafia and stuffed down a garbage disposal unit. Heinkel was killed for the second time by a deadly virus planted in her wiener-schnitzel that caused her body parts to detach themselves from her torso and melt into puddles of blood.

Finally, when everyone had had enough of the vampire's disgustingly graphic murder stories, it came down to Integra and Maxwell. "Villagers, go to sleep," Alucard said, and Maxwell closed his eyes and grinned. This was it; he was going to win! He could practically see the hundred pounds, floating before him like visions of sugar plums or something.

"Yo, Mafia! Wake up, dolly day-dream," Alucard said in his best Peter Pevensie impression; he'd been reading Maxwell's thoughts. Maxwell, angry and embarassed, opened his eyes. Expecting to see a defeated Integra, he was quite surprised to find that she was grinning. Her eyes were closed, but she had a wicked smile on her face, as though mocking him! He suddenly began to have misgivings. What if it was all a trick? He wouldn't put it past her. Maxwell shook his head, as if to clear it of these thoughts.

Alucard grinned. "Who do you want to kill?"

Maxwell took a look at Integra, lifted his hand, and-

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Integra opened her eyes and slapped her buzzing pager down on the table. "That's it," she said smugly. "Game over!"

"WHAT?" Maxwell roared. "I was SO CLOSE!"

"Too bad," Integra said, and grinned. "Since there was only one member of each team left at the end of the game, we both owe each other the same amount. So, essentially, our winnings cancel each other out. Have a nice day..."

Maxwell was furious. How dare she? "You knew, didn't you?" he screamed, pointing an accusing finger at Integra. "You knew your pager was going to go off right before I pointed to you! This is grossly unfair!"

"Yes, well, life's not fair," Integra said, and walked over to the waitress who was going to be seating them. "You of all people should know that, Maxwell. Adieu."

And with that, the members of the Hellsing organization disappeared into the restaurant, leaving the Iscariots fuming in silence. "Well, at least we did nae lose," Anderson said half-heartedly. "It could ae been worse."

Maxwell didn't answer. He just sat there in silence, gripping his pager so hard it cracked. After about five silent minutes, Heinkel spoke up timidly. "Can ve go to McDonalds now?"

Maxwell sat the pager down next to him on the bench, and sighed. "Yeah."


End file.
